Nope. Not gonna do it. Way too painful. Way too aggravating. Way too gut-wrenching.
Instead, I'm holding a seance, right now, and channeling the spirit of George Steinbrenner. I don't care that he's technically not dead, yet. The Yankees are missing The Boss's leadership and I'm going to get back even if it kills George (OK, not really, but let's suspend reality a tad for the purposes of this post)...
Spirits of the afterlife, we call to you! We seek the spirit of George M. Steinbrenner III. Speak to us George, speak to us. Speak to us!
*Suddenly a cold breeze passes and a candle goes out.*
Holy crap, this thing is working!
Girardi! Cashman! What the heck is going on? How the hell do you lose eight straight to the Red Sox? What are you doing to my team? You're fired! Damn it! I'm not in power any more. This must be my penance for the Howard Spira-Dave Winfield mess.
Girardi, I brought you in here to do what Joe Torre stopped doing -- win the damned World Series. I thought you were fiery. I thought you had passion. I thought you knew how to motivate. Why isn't your team playing Yankee Baseball? How is that those Yankees-wannabe to the north have beaten you eight straight times this season? What are you doing to my team? Where is my 27th world championship? This is not acceptable!
You're fir...DAMN IT! I don't care, it's still your ass on the line.. and you're no Billy Martin.
Cashman! Didn't I teach you how to build a championship team. What the hell is going on? What are you doing with 201 million of my dollars? Why don't you have a bullpen? Why isn't your team hitting with runners in scoring position? Why can't your starters throw strikes against those chowdaheads?
In fact, after letting the Sox win in 2004 and 2007, why do you still have a job? You're ... You know, I'd really feel a lot better if I could fire someone right about now...
Where are the boys! Hank! Hal! Get in here! I didn't build this Empire only to watch you destroy it. I knew I should never have let the young elephants into the tent. Why hasn't anyone been fired yet? You haven't even fired one of Girardi's coaches! What's wrong with you two?
How is still Eiland still my pitching coach? He was a lousy pitcher for us and he's even worse as our pitching coach!
You told me he would work wonders with the kids, that he's one of the new-aged stats guys. Well, what happened to Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy last season? They stunk, that's what happened! And Pettitte got worse as the season went on. And Eiland never really turned around that $17 million waste Farnsworth.
And don't get me started on this season. Why hasn't Eiland fixed Wang yet? It's mechanical with him right? He's supposed to fix mechanical, and if he can't it's time for someone who can? What about Burnett? This guy kicked our butts and dominated the Red Sox when he was with Toronto! What did Eiland do to this guy? And why hasn't he fixed Veras and that bullpen yet?
We need a winner for a pitching coach. Get me Guidry! Get me Stottlemyre! We didn't have these problems when they were the pitching coach. That Mazzone guy did good work with those Braves teams! Get me him! He wants to rock during the game, tell him we'll get him a rocking chair! Any kind he wants.
What's Eiland ever won? Nothing, and you won't win with him boys.
In fact, get Mattingly back here. He's a winner. We need more winners. Enough of this Kevin Long guy. Where's Reggie? The team can use a few words from him, too. Now there's a winner!
Now get me the players, they need a pep talk.
Men, the season is still young, but losing eight straight to the Red Sox is clearly not acceptable to me or Yankee fans. Our general manager Brian Cashman and manager Joe Girardi and all of you, our talented players, believe you will turn this around quickly. I believe in you.
I am here to support you and help you. It is time to put the excuses and talk away. It is time for all you to step up and accept your responsibilities. It is time for you to show me and the fans what you are made of.
Let's get going. Let's go out there and win a world championship. That's what the fans and I want and that's what we expect.
You know, I'm not really feeling better. I still need to fire someone. Aviv! You're fired.
Woah! That was weird. I feel strangely empowered, but I also have this built-up need to fire someone. ... Dave! ...
Runners In Scoring Position
Since A-Rod's Return May 8
Vs. Red Sox
Friday vs. Mets, 7:05 p.m., YES, SNY
Livan Hernandez (5-1, 3.88 ERA) vs. Joba Chamberlain (3-1, 3.79)
Joba needs to grow a little and be the stopper.